Nothing Sirius To Be Found Here, Folks
by Manchester
Summary: Sirius Black passes through the Veil and finds himself in totally unexpected circumstances. Not that he's complaining, mind you. Or at least he wasn't up to the point where the short blonde woman punched him in the face. Hard. NOTE: M Rating for sex!
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: There's good reason for this Mature rating, people. While it's not all that explicit, it shows just why the last living male of the Black wizarding family is truly deserving of the description of 'horndog' at any time, any place, any universe, even an AU like the following.

_

* * *

_

Wham!

Sirius Black landed flat on his back on the ground, with that man's breath being promptly smashed out of him, so that for the next few moments, as he struggled for air, that gasping wizard just didn't have the time to consider his unlikely survival after losing his recent magical duel with his insane cousin Bellatrix that had sent him falling through the Veil deep in the basements of the Department of Mysteries, just a second ago.

Er. About the last, wasn't that supposed to be absolutely fatal? Yet here he was, right this minute lying on soft earth, smelling the crushed grass under his suit outfit, looking up at the night sky, and hearing loud, frightened screams coming from his left-

Hastily rolling over onto that side of his body, Sirius stared in total bewilderment at the darkened Muggle house beyond the lawn he was occupying. In the next second, the screams came again that clearly expressed their senders' abject terror. The only situation that could produce exact noises like that, in Sirius' unfortunately extensive experiences as a member of the Order of the Phoenix, was that the screamers were at present in the process of being horribly murdered.

Without even thinking about it, Sirius scrambled to his feet and ran directly towards the unlit house, his wand that he'd never lost his grip on despite everything held out before himself. As he got within a few yards of the front door of the house where the screaming was still continuing inside, Sirius pointed his wand at that panel, hastily muttering the proper spell to open the door he was rapidly rushing towards.

"Alohomora!"

A tremendous inward throb shuddered throughout the wizard's entire magical core, and the front door completely vanished into thin air. Still running at his full speed regardless of currently being in sheer shock at what had just happened, not simply of what he'd just experienced, but also due to the fact that his low-power spell definitely shouldn't have done that, Sirius burst through the now-open house doorway and into the darkened building.

Skidding to a stop in the front hallway lest he collide with or trip over some piece of Muggle furniture, Sirius bellowed "_Lumos__!_", with the wizard expecting the appearance at the tip of his wand the normal small ball of glowing light that'd help him see what was happening inside the house.

In unison with another immense shudder of his magical core, a yard-wide white globe blazing in its brightness at eyeball-searing levels then burst into existence just beyond Sirius, floating in mid-air at his chest level, until a dumbfounded man made the proper quick flick of his wrist that'd tone down his overpowered spell. The painful light immediately dimmed to its usual level of illumination, revealing a startling scene in the front room of the house.

In the furthest corner of that space, three young women were huddled together on the floor there, arms wrapped around each other and uselessly pressing themselves further back against the walls, their mouths still agape to deliver the constant screams they'd been uttering the last few seconds, but now simply hanging open as these females' tear-streaked faces stared in stupefaction at their unexpected visitor standing in the hallway and holding some kind of stick that had a ball of light floating in front of this, that a moment ago had been brighter than the sun.

The final member of the current inhabitants of the house was the only one not wholly taken aback at this moment. Instead, Michael Myers smoothly spun around and then he implacably strode towards the interrupter of that escaped lunatic's murder spree of tonight's prey and her friends on this Halloween holiday. That monster's right hand lifted high his deadly, razor-sharp knife in preparation for butchering his latest victim.

Blankly regarding through the slits of his white mask the man that was pointing a little stick at him, Michael didn't bother thinking about how strange this was, only that he'd soon take care of a minor problem and then get back to slaughtering the three women, who were themselves all watching with terrified dismay their potential savior standing there and about to be killed.


	2. Chapter 2

Of everything else happening at that moment, Sirius Black noticed only one thing. His attacker's white mask. The vast rage instantly igniting in the mind of the man who'd been fighting Death Eaters for years - those scum who'd killed so many people he'd loved - who sent him, an innocent man, to Azbakan - who were free on the other side of the Veil to menace his godson Harry - now joined up with yet another huge pulsation of the wizard's magical core, this time with Sirius' actually willing it, as he screamed into the covered face of his oncoming foe, "_SECTUMSEMPRA!_"

The trio of females still huddled in their corner now disbelievingly watched as a streak of pure black force burst from the tip of the stick the shouting man was holding, to then zoom across the room until this mysterious energy struck Michael Myers right in the chest, somehow halting that madman in his tracks. An instant later, all three of the young women - Laurie, Annie, and Lynda - were doubting their own sanity, as the entire body of their potential murderer promptly shimmered out of existence, leaving behind only an empty space in the room where Michael had been a moment ago.

Sirius himself was also having trouble believing this. He'd expected his Sectumsempra cutting spell to do nothing more than messily chop his attacking enemy into very dead pieces. It wasn't an Unforgivable Curse, but his old leader Dumbledore and most of the others in the Order of the Phoenix would have disapproved of using that slashing hex. At this point, Sirius didn't give the slightest damn. He'd suffered through too much in his life to ever again allow any kind of mercy or fairness towards an enemy, much less one that was just about to stick a very big knife into him.

No, what bore thinking about was what exactly had happened. Peering down at his wand and trying to remember how things had gone - how his mind and body had felt, how the spell had looked leaving his wand, a marveling Sirius now came to the only reasonable conclusion: his overpowered hex had somehow magically sliced through every bit of stuff that had made up the form of his latest opponent - clothing, flesh, bone, whatever - all down to the very smallest particle possible, causing the total annihilation of that man wearing his mask.

"H-hello?"

Sirius immediately aimed his wand at where that timid call for attention had come from, producing quick, frightened shrieks from the three women still seated in their corner but presently flinching away from what was being pointed in their direction. A chagrined wizard promptly dropped his wand to his side, only to hastily bring it back up and hold it ready for action, as Sirius then warily looked around himself. Turning his head back to the trio of females nervously staring at him, Sirius urgently asked them, "Ladies, are there any more of those Death Eaters?"

"_Who?_" came from the women in their dumbfounded chorus.

"Anybody who looks like the man I just hex- took care of." Sirius' abrupt change of words came from his sudden realization that those women now cautiously getting up from their seats in the room corner absolutely had to be Muggles. He was already going to be in enough trouble for killing someone in front of them, even if it _was _totally in self-defense, that the wizard didn't need to make more work for the Aurors in obliviating those witnesses later on. Speaking of that, where were those lazy sods? Sirius must have set off alarm bells ringing throughout the entire Ministry with his use of such an excessive amount of magic.

That was about as far as Sirius' thoughts had gotten to in his quick flash of contemplation, before the tallest woman now standing a few steps away on his right and gazing at him with astonished wonder on her face husked out, "N-no, there's nobody else. I heard on the r-radio that he was the only one who broke out of the asylum and came here to m-murder us."

*Well, that's a relief. Now, what the devil do I do now? Particularly about these people.* Sirius' sudden dismay over that unwelcome consideration then magnified itself ten times over at the next eager comments from the blonde woman with the pert face standing in front of him.

Gaping at the man in the dark suit before her worriedly eyeing Laurie after she'd told him that, Lynda excitedly gasped her rushed words, "Guys, you know who this is? A real-life magician! Not the kind who produces a rabbit from a hat or does card tricks, but somebody with bona fide magic!"

"Oh, come on!" objected the frizzy-haired woman at the left of an increasingly-vexed Sirius, who started glumly calculating in his mind just how many times he'd broken the Statue of Secrecy in the last couple of minutes alone. "There's no such thing as magic except in kids' books!" again tried Annie at her stubborn friend, missing the bemused rise of Sirius' right eyebrow over that.

"Well, what about what he did?" triumphantly crowed Lynda, as she stepped forward to prod with her extended index finger a rather taken-aback Sirius in the center of that man's chest. "He pointed a magic wand at the guy who was gonna kill us, said an incantation, and made him go poof! Just like, like a real wizard!"

It was at that point where Sirius shut his eyes in actual pain.


	3. Chapter 3

"I don't care," quietly said Laurie, drawing everyone's attention, including that of a man warily lifting his eyelids to peer at that young woman who'd just spoken, as she went on, "He…he saved us, guys. We're alive because of him, and, and-" Her pretty face crumpling in reaction to her recent awful memories from tonight's Halloween that had momentarily been pushed back in her mind and were now reasserting themselves in their full horror, Laurie abruptly stepped forward and threw her arms around a stunned Sirius, holding tightly onto him as she burst into tears, sobbing upon his right shoulder.

Staring in astonishment at that girl clinging tightly to him, Sirius missed how the faces of the other teenagers also suddenly changed into deep distress over their own fresh, dreadful experiences, but he became more than aware of those young ladies when both of them also leapt forward to give him their personal, thankful hugs while they too started crying, with every one of the trio of high school students continuing to embrace the wizard.

Dumbly opening and closing his mouth in a dead-on impression of a fish recently yanked out of the water, Sirius jerkily swung his head back and forth to look down with a growing sense of panic at the heads of the women pressing their faces and bodies against him. That was the only part of his own body that could easily move, since his arms were held fast by the strong hugs of the three girls squashed up against him, all with their firm, shapely, squishy, perfumed bodies-

Sirius Black hadn't been in any type of close contact with a member of the opposite sex of whatever age, size, or non-familial relationship since at least a week before it had all gone tits-up (a very unfortunate expression for this wizard to use at that exact moment, since he could easily feel right now six prime examples of post-adolescent mammary glands pressing against him) fifteen years ago, when the Potter family had been attacked by Voldemort at the Godric's Hollow house, resulting in the tragedy that had left Harry Potter an orphan and ended up with Sirius being railroaded into Azkaban and staying there for well over the next decade. Incidentally, that grim wizarding detention facility did _not_ allow for any type of conjugal visits.

Not to mention that with all of the Dementors in Azkaban forever hanging around there and eager to conjure up every prisoner's worse memories whenever those monsters could do so, it was truly perilous to attract these floating spirits' attention for any reason at all. One time of being caught had been more than enough for Sirius, when during his first few months there, after he'd accidentally learned that his Animagus canine form was usually ignored, a bored Grim had started absentmindedly performing the extremely indelicate act that any male dog can accomplish. The ensuing feelings of minor enjoyment coming from his prison cell had at once summoned there at least a dozen Dementors, who'd nearly killed Sirius by flooding his brain with horrific memories of all his lifetime failures, including the occasions when he'd carnally disappointed his female partners.

It had all resulted in Sirius Black remaining as celibate as an eunuch during the rest of his stay in Azkaban, and even after. Much later, he'd simply never had the time, desire, or opportunity for getting some during any part of his successful escape from that prison and his subsequent life on the run, dodging Aurors while desperately searching for his godson. Even after finding Harry and then being cleared of the false charges against him when that rat traitor Peter Pettigrew was discovered to be still alive and also a Death Eater, Sirius had then been permanently stuck inside his family home at Grimmauld Place, due to Dumbledore's orders to stay out of sight and avoid other people.

It hadn't ever occurred to Sirius that perhaps his growing irritation about everything in existence, that had in the end led him to recklessly rush into battle at the Department of Mysteries, might have had something to do with that wizard's tremendous sexual frustration. Maybe if he'd just managed to get laid around then, things might have happened differently for everyone.

Still, at that moment in the Muggle house, Sirius wasn't thinking about this. Instead, to his embarrassed horror, he was _feeling _the sudden rush of blood arising to his face from the immense blush that had caught him unawares. Not to mention the equally unexpected and just as unstoppable shift of lower bodily fluids that was causing Little Sirius down there to arise as well, and in the process requiring a new name, such as When-Is-It-Going-To-Stop-Becoming-Sirius.


	4. Chapter 4

The sudden gasp that had interrupted the soft weeping coming from the blonde girl snugly pressed up against the front of Sirius' body during her embrace brought further mortification to the wizard sheepishly looking down at that female's motionless head. At least up to the point when Lynda then slowly tilted up her face to look full into the brick-red features of the man who'd saved them all a few minutes ago, and who was clearly struggling with his own emotions and sensations. Lynda's pert countenance now had the corners of her lips amazingly quirk upwards, and her teary eyes suddenly developed an actual gleeful look in them, as that experienced young woman made her quick and absolutely agreeable decision.

Bending her knees as she loosened her arms around Sirius under the other girls' embraces, a now-giggling Lynda slid down the man's body towards the room floor while still pressed up against him. The wizard's mouth fell open and his eyes bulged as he felt the descending girl's body rub against his own, particularly at one exceptionally sensitive spot at his front that made Sirius groan deeply, as Lynda twisted slightly just before her knees hit the floor, to unerringly caress her right breast against his groin.

All this finally managed to attract the attention of Laurie and Annie, as both of them still hugging the man now looked down with total shock at their friend kneeling there and busily working away with her fingers at the waistband of Sirius' pants. It was Annie who managed to beat out Laurie in screeching her question, "Lyn, what are you _doing?_"

"Rewarding our rescuer," replied a composed voice from the floor. As she found the pants zipper and pulled this down, Lynda added dryly, "I mean, that's something a hell of a lot more impressive than throwing a touchdown pass, and I gave Robbie the quarterback the same- Ooooo." The blonde teenager interrupted herself with that coo of delight at something now revealed in its full glory. Quickly leaning her head forward, Lynda started enthusiastically slurping on what was currently in her mouth.

Simultaneously letting go of their hugs of the man now standing absolutely stock-still on his feet while developing an extremely blissful expression upon his face, Laurie and Annie hastily backed off a few paces before nervously halting in their tracks. Even then, they couldn't help but stare at what was taking place right in front of them, until a very loud, happy grunt came from Lynda celebrating her success of cramming a few more fleshy inches down her throat. That indecent sound promptly caused the other two girls to look away, their own faces flaming bright red as they tried to find something else in the room to concentrate upon.

Annie's discomfited gaze was caught by their champion's features, the man who'd stood against a homicidal maniac and ended up saving them all. Before, the guy with his stick had looked scary and mad and ruthless and a lot more things that she couldn't describe, exactly, but he hadn't been afraid at all. Instead, right now, he looked like he was positively enjoying himself, and, well, Annie had to admit to herself, that even if she'd never dreamed she'd be involved in something like this, he had a perfect right to feel pleased. It was kind of odd, though - the look on his face appeared as if it hadn't been there for a very long time, shifting his facial muscles into long-unused configurations, and making him seem to be younger. Not to mention really, really adorable.


	5. Chapter 5

With that sudden realization, Annie felt a rush of heat deep within her loins. Her body now moved solely by instinct, as she bent over to grasp the hem of her dress, and with a single quick jerk as the high school student straightened up, she pulled this item of clothing over her head, leaving that young woman clad only in her flats, panties, and bra. As she tossed her dress away, Annie now sauntered towards the man standing there. Stopping right next to Sirius still looking blissfully ahead into the distance, Annie grabbed the wizard's left hand, as she then snuggled her nearly-nude body up against his left side, while at the same time placing the man's strong hand that she was holding directly onto her right buttock cheek.

As a surprised Sirius snapped his head around at that unexpected action, Annie smirked up at the man staring down in astonishment at her, simultaneously squeezing hard his hand which she was still gripping and causing that male's fingers to clutch at a handful of warm, firm feminine flesh barely covered by cool silk lingerie. Giving the man gaping at her a bawdy wink, Annie took away her hand, and she happily giggled when Sirius not only kept holding onto her butt, but he also started to gently knead that part of her body, a wide grin slowly growing upon his face.

Down on her knees in front of Sirius, Lynda was able to watch all this groping at very close range, and with her mouth full, she could only manage an admiring grunt, along with a thumbs-up gesture of approval with her right hand. Suddenly remembering someone else, the blonde girl with the bobbing head rolled her eyes over to the left, where Laurie was still standing there, gawking at everybody else acting like they'd just lost their minds.

Her face totally beet-red, Laurie still couldn't look away. This couldn't be happening, not to her, in her home. These kinds of things didn't happen to nice girls like her, who planned on saving themselves for marriage- At this last mental objection, Laurie's thoughts screeched to an abrupt halt, as she reconsidered. If it wasn't for that man there clearly having an absolutely wonderful time with her best friends, both of who were now behaving like they were auditioning for 'Slut of the Year', she and Annie and Lynda (isn't that bitch ever going to breathe?) would have been dead, dead, and dead, all three of them, several minutes ago. Yeah, so she'd have died a virgin. Who exactly was that going to impress? Laurie sourly contemplating that specific outcome for a few moments, until she finally made her decision regarding this: *Fuck it.*

*No. Fuck _him_.* That sudden addendum to her conclusion made Laurie thoughtfully narrow her eyes and look closely at the man with his left hand busily working away inside someone's panties while smiling down at a now-moaning Annie, as he used his other stick-holding hand to gently press Lynda's head in a direction a little more lower and forward, to the accompaniment of pleased gurgles from that kneeling girl.

Glaring at her competitors, as she now knew them to be, Laurie glanced down at her own nubile body, and her frown then speedily shifted into a very naughty grin. Maybe those two whores-in-training over there might be a little more advanced than her in sexual experience, but she possessed something else that neither of her so-called friends damn well had. A smirking Laurie then lifted her fingers to the collar of her blouse.

A couple of seconds later, Sirius was completely taken by surprise as two hands unexpectedly grabbed the sides of his head, and pulled that part of his body away to the right. As he also twisted his neck to look at who'd just done that, Sirius' head and upper body continued to be guided into leaning over and down to the right, as that man now gazed into where his face was descending, right into the cleavage of a pair of magnificent, world-class breasts. A topless Laurie standing at her rescuer's right side gasped in sudden shock at the feel of masculine features pressed up against her chest, until her eyes widened further and a happy chortle escaped from that tall girl's lips, as she then felt enthusiastic kisses being applied to her soft skin.

At that precise moment, the only way Sirius Black could properly express his current euphoric glee was to channel his inner Grim, with this Animagus personality of a massive, black-furred canine deep within his mind now sitting on his haunches, long tail frenziedly wagging, and his muzzle open in a wide, dirty, doggy grin, as he bayed upwards:

*_WOOF! WOOF! WOOF!*_


	6. Chapter 6

As the first pale rays of dawn shone through the upstairs windows of the main bedroom, Sirius Black strove mightily not to….giggle. He was a mature wizard, a Hogwarts graduate, a war veteran, a- A man who'd just shagged into blissful oblivion three (not one, not two, but _three!_) beautiful young women, all of them now purring in their contented slumber upon the large bed they were presently sharing with a very happy man.

Lounging on his back among the tangled bedsheets, a stark-naked Sirius sent a pleased sigh towards the ceiling and he absently reached out without looking to stroke the nearest female flesh that came to hand. This produced dozing whimpers of unreserved delight and the unconscious snuggling of three bodies closer to him. Giving everybody a final fond pat, Sirius now crossed his arms across his bare chest, and he allowed himself some moments of actual reflection over what he'd just learned in the last few hours.

During various times among the ecstatic shrieks of glee, when the mouths of the quartet currently occupying the bed weren't otherwise occupied, Sirius had managed to ask a few questions and receive gasping answers. For example, he'd been a bit relieved that his orgy partners were all of legal age. And now with vastly greater experience, to boot, smirked the man to himself.

His features became somewhat more thoughtful as Sirius considered what else he'd learned. He really should have picked it up sooner concerning his new acquaintances, if only he'd bothered to pay more attention to their accents rather than to their lips and tongues and- Hastily getting back on track, Sirius bemusedly shook his head at somehow managing to pass through the Veil in the Department of Mysteries and wind up _thousands_ of miles away from his starting point, across an entire ocean and half a continent. To America, no less. But that wasn't the strangest thing he'd found out. Oh, no, not at all.

He was in _1978_. A wizard who just hours ago had been living in the year 1996 had by some impossible means been transported nearly twenty years into the past during his attempt to protect his godson Harry. Who at this date wasn't even born yet! Merlin's teeth, Lily and James weren't even married back- now! An unexpected tear welled up in Sirius' eye, and he hurriedly rubbed this away. That little bit of news told to him by the girls had almost put him off his stroke then, but Sirius had gathering himself and soldiered on. After all, that wizard had learned during his life that it was truly unforgivable to interrupt any woman's multiple orgasms, no matter what you'd just heard.

Well, now he had time to actually think about this. In the bed, Sirius pensively stared at the ceiling, a part of the room he'd become more than familiar with during the past few acrobatic hours. Throughout that period, the wizard had allowed himself to become diverted by the pleasures of the flesh (if only because he was quite sure that Little Sirius would really break down and start crying if he'd passed up last night's opportunity), but the man himself then just wasn't sure what the hell else to do. Then, or even now.

Sirius finally forced himself to confront the thestral in the room. His magic. Yes, the wizard on the bed had previously known for most of his life that he was certainly more than a squib, being well among the top of his Hogwarts contemporaries in sheer power of their mystical cores. Now, though, during last night….it was ridiculous! Somehow, during his trip through the Veil, he'd acquired a level of magical ability to put Merlin himself in the shade! Since Sirius had absolutely _no_ idea what had happened, how long it might last, or how to safely control his magic (particularly the more dangerous spells), the only thing he could presently do was to be as cautious as possible about everything.

A corner of Sirius' mouth quirked in a wry grin. *Moony, you old wolf, you'd be laughing yourself sick to see Padfoot acting like such a fuddy-duddy. After telling me over and over again at Hogwarts not to be so reckless, _now_ I have to follow your advice!* In the bed, Sirius rolled his eyes in affectionate exasperation at his friend so far away in both distance and time. If that werewolf ever learned about all this, this future faculty professor would probably retort that it had taken actually getting killed for Sirius to at last learn prudence!

Stretching out on the mattress, Sirius looked fondly at his bed partners, still fast asleep and likely to stay that way for a while. An unexpected thought occurred to the wizard then, making him rise his eyebrows at that possibility that had just appeared in his mind. Could his recent magical amplification also affected his physical self, increasing his bodily energy and stamina? He'd had one hell of a day, from London to America and along with everything happening during all that, yet he _still_ felt mostly ready to go and do something, anything!

An actual pout quickly passed over Sirius' features at the irksome possibility that even after his recent Azkaban stretch, he couldn't have previously made his latest carnal collaborators pass out from sheer sexual overload. Still, if the wizard had to be honest about it, what was really so bad about the unexpected boost to his meat and two veg? _They _hadn't complained about it, Sirius cheerfully noted to himself, as he grinned at the slumbering bodies of the female trio gathered around the man.

Come to think about it, even with all his newfound vigor, he was also beginning to feel a little sleepy now, so he might as well have a quick nap, as he waited for the others to wake up. After that, well, he'd take things as they came and do whatever was necessary, firmly nodded the nude man to himself. Yawning as he relaxed on the bed, the wizard closed his eyes, and as he waited for slumber, Sirius Black idly wondered whatever was going to happen next.

Two seconds later, the last living male of the Black family abruptly vanished into thin air, leaving behind himself three naked young women, all still peacefully dozing despite the sudden departure of their new friend, until Laurie's parents finally came home later that morning, and discovered a truly unforgettable scene in their bedroom.


	7. Chapter 7

_Wham!_

Slammed into a rude awakening, a dazed Sirius once more groaned for breath, again flat on his back, but from the feel of it, on a much harder but still-yielding surface than that of the Muggle bed he'd been occupying just a second ago. Staring up in total bewilderment at the full moon high in the night sky, with this shining orb gleamingly illuminating the outdoor darkness, Sirius remained in his horizontal posture, as the man then wildly looked around himself.

He seemed to be on some kind of sandy beach, just a few feet from the shoreline. Pulling apart his feet to peer past the space between his boots, Sirius saw a fairly large body of calm water before himself, that looked to be just an ordinary lake with small forested hills rising about a mile or so further on at the edges of this piece of geology.

Wait. Boots?

Glancing down at the length of his body lying on the ground, Sirius saw that he was once more fully dressed in his suit that he'd been wearing while passing through the Veil, and that his wand was again firmly gripped in his right hand. As the wizard gaped into the distance due to his absolute shock at somehow being transported to wherever he was, out of the Muggle house where he'd had such a pleasant time for the last few hours, something then seen at the corner of Sirius' left eye managed to attract the dumbfounded man's attention.

Looking over, as he squinted at what was there a score of yards distant, Sirius managed to make out in the moonlight a straight, dark line of wooden pilings supporting a planked walkway that jutted out into the lake for about a hundred feet. The baffled wizard was still examining this pier, when three naked women then burst into sight from the shore, frantically running along the narrow structure, all while screaming in terror at the tops of their very healthy lungs.

A staring Sirius didn't move his head the slightest; only the man's eyes slowly shifted in their horizontal path as he very conscientiously tracked that singular occurrence, until the sprinting women skidded to a stop at the very end of the pier, every action of theirs being accompanied by the wild bouncing of their large, full breasts gloriously displayed to the world.

Gasping from their recent exertions (which caused their unknown witness to faintly whimper at observing the women's heaving chests), Marcie, Brenda, and Alice huddled together, as they simultaneously realized in absolute horror that they'd just trapped themselves out on the lake.

Just a few minutes ago, one of the three women had declared during their desultory card game together in their lodgings, that maybe they _should _have gone along tonight with the other male camp counselors to watch a football game on cable in the lake town a few miles from the camp, since they might as well have been bored there in the sports bar instead of also here right now in their cabin. Things had rapidly progressed after that grouchy complaint, into a giggling proposal by Alice naughtily suggesting a quick occasion of moonlit skinny-dipping. After all, they'd be totally sure that nobody here would have a chance of spying on them, what with all the guys gone, and a few days from now, when the summer camp for children opened, the whole place would be overrun by the little boogers.

Marcie had shown her sudden enthusiasm for that idea by getting up at once from the table and then stripping off her tight, braless t-shirt. Smirking at the startled others as she tossed her top onto the discarded cards on their table, that bare-breasted young woman merrily whooped to her friends, "Last one in the water's a rotten egg!" After those gleeful words, Marcie had spun around and dashed out of the cabin, causing the screen door to slam shut behind herself, accompanied by maniacal cackles floating through the air after that girl.

A pursuing Brenda and Alice had eventually caught up with Marcie, with all of them leaving behind a trail of their clothing, from their cabin to the lake, consisting of t-shirts, a pair of bras from the larger-busted duo, their gym shorts, and their panties. At the edge of the lake, a hurried race to see who'd get their sneakers and socks off first ended up in a dead heat and three naked, nubile bodies simultaneously leaping into the water.

The shock of the cool liquid of the lake against their goose-pimpled forms didn't put a damper upon the festivities right away, but after a few minutes of swimming and splashing each other, the girls laughingly agreed that enough was enough, and they waded back to the beach and up the sand, each displaying an impressive set of nipples erecti.

Giggling together, Brenda, Alice, and Marcie headed towards the shadowed spot under the trees ringing the lake where they'd left their footwear, in preparation for donning these to then make their way back to the cabin, while also collecting the rest of their tossed-away clothing.

The sneakers were…gone.

Halting in surprise at seeing only three pairs of their socks lying limply on the ground, it was Alice who stepped forward, bending down to reach out for one of her own foot coverings, while at the same time peering around for where the shoes must be, thinking that the women must have made a mistake in remembering where they'd left those. Alice's fingers were just about to touch the sock, when that object was abruptly trod under by a very large boot landing upon the cloth, with that girl's hand now brushing the leather of that boot.

Freezing in surprise for a moment, Alice then slowly looked up thick legs, a massive torso, and at the peak of this enormous man's body to where a head wearing a white hockey mask stared down at the nude girl cowering before him. In the depths of the eye-holes of that mask, there was the faintest glint of reflected moonlight, as sharp and cold and dead as the edge of the huge knife gripped in the right hand of Jason Voorhees.


	8. Chapter 8

A few minutes later, after their panic-stricken flight along the beach while being pursued by that insane serial killer, the girls had made the mistake of running onto the waterside pier. As they shivered while standing at the end of the dock, staring out at a calm Crystal Lake shining in the cold moonlight and hugging their nude bodies for warmth, Marcie, Brenda, and Alice then fearfully glanced behind themselves, and they all then simultaneously screamed at seeing the silent figure looming like a monstrous statue at the foot of the pier. As Jason Voorhees now implacably strode forward, machete dangling in his right hand and the wooden boards under his feet dolefully creaking at his immense weight, the girls frantically searched for some way to escape their coming fate, only to start pitifully whimpering at seeing none.

There was no way to safely get past the advancing maniac heading down the narrow pier in his inexorable walk. Jumping off the pier into the water and swimming away wouldn't work, either. It was too far across the lake for any of the girls to make it to the other side, and simply treading water or holding onto the pier pilings while waiting for some kind of rescue risked hypothermia for them. Neither would swimming to the beach and then running back to their cabin, to barricade themselves inside while calling for help be successful, since Jason could simply retrace his steps up the pier and follow the girls, to then commence his ensuing carnage.

Frozen in terror, the three naked women huddled together at the pier's edge, unable to think of any way to avoid their imminent horrible deaths, until Brenda on the left suddenly shrieked, "_Look!_" at the same time thrusting forward her pointing finger at the beach next to the left side where the dock started. Their desperate eyes following this unexpected gesture, Marcie and Alice then saw in the darkness beyond someone running along the shoreline there, towards the pier.

At once, all three of the female camp counselors started wildly jumping up and down while waving their arms in frantic signals, and also screaming as loudly as they could.

"HELP! HELP!'

"SAVE US! THAT GUY'S GONNA KILL US!"

"STOP THE GUY WITH THE KNIFE!"

Jason Voorhees continued to plod down the pier towards his victims, totally disregarding their pleading cries and cavorting in his relentless advance to inflict pain and death upon those innocent women. However, that serial killer wasn't able to ignore what happened next.

A basketball-sized ball of brilliant light popped into existence just above the running figure on the shoreline, floating along in step with the sprinting mature man in his suit that had beach sand dribbling off the back of his attire at every rapid stride. This illuminated globe hanging in mid-air was bright enough to turn night into full daylight, shining its radiance along the entire side of Crystal Lake where three shocked women on the pier had been immediately petrified in their attempts to attract attention, standing as still as statues as they all gaped at what then occurred.

Jason himself had also stopped in mid-tread at the sudden burst of glowing light behind this evil being that threw his massive shadow forward onto the top of the wooden planking. Bringing down his enormous boot, the killer slowly turned around to see who'd dared interfere in his justifiable slaughter, with Jason also lifting up his machete in preparation for some gory blade work upon that meddler. The hockey mask always worn to conceal his horribly deformed face was as expressionless as ever, but Jason's stance alone showed he was evidently glaring at the interloper that had just leapt from the beach onto the pier, while also pointing a little stick at the maniac and loudly shouting a single, very bizarre word:

"_SECTUMSEMPRA!_"

An instant later, the blade of the machete plunged downwards, to then land point-first onto a wooden plank presently flexing upwards at the release of an immense weight that had abruptly disappeared into total non-existence. The soft _thunk!_ sound of this knife-tip burying itself into the wood was easily heard by all the remaining people there, including the three stunned women and the trotting man headed towards those females, as he passed by and ignored the faintly-quivering machete in its stuck-upright position, showing off only about six inches of the lower metal blade, with all the rest of it, including the hilt and the person that had been gripping this weapon in their right hand, having vanished into thin air.

When Sirius finally stopped in his fast walk, directly in front of the women at the end of the pier, this feminine trio yelped in unison and clapped their hands over their eyes, cringing from the dazzling ball of light hovering in mid-air above their rescuer that had followed along after him. Right after that, with their hands still covering their faces, Marcie, Brenda, and Alice heard a very sheepish voice with an actual English accent in this say, "Terribly sorry, ladies. I say, you can look now."

Sure enough, even through their shielding fingers pressed up against their closed eyes, the three women sensed the overpowering illumination overhead now dwindle to the level of an ordinary streetlight. Letting their hands drop to their sides while blinking away tears as their vision recovered, the three camp counselors stared upwards at the less-bright ball of light remaining in its position above the mature man in his suit, as these ladies then regarded their gazes to disbelievingly stare at their rescuer now himself regarding with a perfect deadpan every one of the naked, unclad, bare, without-a-stitch beautiful women standing there in all their glorious nudity.

Even if the mysterious light in the air was dimmer than before, it still shone brightly enough to reveal the instantaneous, pure scarlet, all-over blushes of the embarrassed female trio, whose upper limps now moved with truly impressive speed to cover up their chests and groins. For a few seconds of frozen silence, the potential victims of an insane murderer and their savior simply observed each other, until Sirius (even now possessing a perfect poker face) finally broke the discomfited mood of the others by clearing his throat, to then make a truly mystifying offer: "Permit me, ladies."

As the dumbfounded women then watched, the man in front of them now held up his little wooden stick that he'd been gripping in his right hand all this time, to then casually wave the strange object in their direction, as their rescuer scrunched up his face in evident concentration for a moment, only to have his features smooth out and change into a wide, happy smile at the sudden squeals and yelps of surprise from the three women.

Marcie, Brenda, and Alice had all simultaneously jerked their arms away from their bodies, where they'd been using those limbs to conceal their exposed breasts and genitals, since there was no longer any point to this. Now, every one of the women was currently wearing some kind of formal robe or dress, that instead covered their bodies. Mostly.

Right now, Marcie was dressed in a scarlet and gold robe, with Brenda having a canary yellow and midnight black robe, and lastly, Alice was clad in a blue and bronze robe. All of them were also wearing around their necks a ladies' tie in diagonally-striped colors identical to the robes, with this long strip of fabric hanging down their chests along every inch of their exposed cleavage. That extremely sexy effect had to do with the face that every one of their newly-provided robes were also slit in front nearly down to the waist, not to mention that the hems of all the dress skirts ended at mid-thigh.

As they gawked at each other in their racy clothing, the women then heard a jovial male voice next to them cheerily intone, "It's a very good thing that there are only three of you, ladies. I'd have really hated putting a Slytherin robe on someone I saved."

It was Brenda who beat out the others to control her whirling thoughts about what had just happened tonight - the attack on them all by that masked killer, the man who'd rescued them, and what they'd just seen of real, honest-to-goodness magic - as that camp counselor managed to choke out in a very dazed voice, "Who- what's a Slything, or whatever you said?"

As they all stared at the man standing there, the young women saw a serious expression form upon his features, as he answered, "Oh, that's quite a long story, so why don't we go somewhere else instead, instead of being out here on the water? Is there any place nearby where we can talk?"

"Uh, there's our cabin," offered Alice, looking up from her bemused study of how nicely her tits were being shown off in this hot, low-cut dress that dude over there had somehow whipped up from total scratch. He might be kinda old, but he had that really sexy bad-boy thing going on, what with his lined face and that lean figure-

"Excellent!" beamed Sirius, missing the smoky glance from a growing-intrigued Alice, as he now stepped to the side of the pier, clearing the way for the trio of women when the wizard then bowed and grandly swept his right hand holding his wand towards the shoreline, to then politely hint, "Shall we be off, ladies?"

Trading a shared uncertain look among themselves, Marcie finally shrugged, unknowingly causing her tie to arousingly swing from side to side in the space between her breasts, as she cautiously stepped past the bowing man, to then be immediately followed by the other girls crowding after, as Sirius maintained his bow that allowed him to sneak a close look at those truly fine feminine legs and bare feet-

"Just a moment, ladies!" The three women promptly halted, with them all throwing a worried look over their shoulders, with their sudden alarm increasing at seeing someone who'd just said that pointing his stick downwards at their feet. A second later, Alice, Brenda, and Marcie straight away shot upwards as high as they could, in a single startled bound, as they felt something instantaneously wrap around their feet and lower legs. Coming down to panickily teeter on what had unexpectedly appeared on their lower legs, the women grabbed onto each other to maintain their balance, as they now all looked down at their newly-shod feet.

Still holding onto each other, Brenda, Marcie, and Alice stared totally bug-eyed at what had identically appeared for them all: pure, white stockings running up to just below their knees, and on their feet, a pair of absolutely comfortable sleek flats, fashionably black and polished to a mirror shine. That last wasn't intended as a metaphor; even in the dim light of the glowing ball still floating over their rescuer's head, the new shoes for all of the women were so glossy that they acted as reflective as an actual mirror, just like in the urban legend, so that all three women could instantly tell at a glance, even if they didn't individually know this already, that underwear hadn't been provided along with their new dresses.

Hastily letting go of each other, Marcie, Alice, and Brenda now stood in a line across the pier, all blushing furiously, and about to whirl around and angrily confront the man back there who-

Who had just created _shoes_.

Well, yes, dresses and ties too, but never mind about that, because there was something much more important to think about:

_Shoes._

The most perfectly wonderful, gorgeous, comfy, stylish _shoes_, all made by only a flick of that stick in the hand of the absolutely sweet, adorable, brave, cute, strong, attractive man who was coming back with them to their cabin in the totally deserted camp-

As one, the three girls stepped forward, and as they continued up the pier towards the beach without looking back, their bodies subtly shifted into a truly alluring saunter, with intoxicating rolls of their hips currently performed in unison by a gleeful Alice, Brenda, and Marcie, with all of this being keenly observed by the contented man strolling after, whose joyous conviction on how this was going to end up also definitely shared by the Grim deep within his mind enthusiastically declaring that canine's eagerness to have yet another go with three more really fine bitches:

*_WOOF! WOOF! WOOF!*_


	9. Chapter 9

_Wham!_

Well, at least he'd had the foresight to set up some kind of cushioning spell upon himself, to be automatically cast whenever he went on his next trip, so when Sirius noisily landed flat on his back once more, he felt only a somewhat mild impact to his entire body, not even enough to take away his breath this time. Hastily looking around at his new location, the now fully-clad wizard awarded himself a quick mental congratulations for his prescience, since he might've actually been hurt by falling onto the very hard concrete floor of one of those places where Muggles parked their motor vehicles.

Not that an example of those speedy machines was currently occupying the grage, or whatever they were called. Instead, this dimly lighted space was completely bare except for some tool cabinets along the left wall, and a hooded figure completely dressed up in black robes and armed with a big knife, while using this weapon to threaten a trio of terrified young women backed up against the far wall and screaming with fear at the tops of their lungs. Who instantly stopped shrieking, to then gape at the man who'd suddenly appeared out of thin air to land with a loud thud upon his back in the garage of Tatum's house, right at the exact moment that they were going to get murdered by Ghostface.

That serial killer himself had been wildly waving his knife back and forth in grand sweeps of his right arm, indicating his eagerness for the coming slaughter, until the hooded figure abruptly hesitated, now standing motionless, with his cruel weapon held immobile. Just the sudden stares by his three now-hushed female victims directed past him might have simply been some kind of trick, trying to distract him prior to them making a break for it, but that entirely unexpected noise from behind, the sound of an unknown heavy object dropping onto the garage floor, was something else. Particularly when a man's very irritated voice then snapped in a strong British accent from lower down and to Ghostface's back:

"Bugger this for a lark! Don't you Muggles have anything better to do?"

Whirling around while getting his knife ready for immediate bloody murder against this unanticipated intruder, Ghostface was halted in his tracks at seeing there before him in the garage a totally unfamiliar older man in a suit lying on his back and balefully glaring straight up at the black-clad figure wearing a white mask that was frozen in its representation of a despairing scream.

"_SECTUMSEMPRA!_"

A few moments later, Sirius had gotten up to his feet while meditatively brushing himself off, for the nonce ignoring the disbelieving stares directed at him by the three flabbergasted women still nervously standing against the far wall, who were now the only other people in the garage besides that English wizard himself. As he recalled the tremendous sensations felt throughout his magical core just a second ago while casting his annihilation spell against that whoever-he-was, which were becoming all too familiar, Sirius sighed, and then he sent a hopeful look towards the female trio, who timidly blinked back at him.

Ambling closer across the room to Sirius' latest apprehensive rescuees, his relaxed saunter with any luck showing these traumatized ladies that he wasn't going to hurt them at all, the wizard stopped short in front of the trio and carefully cleared his throat, before asking in a rather resigned tone to no one in particular, "This is America, aye?"

After a few bewildered seconds, the three girls cautiously nodded, watching how the older man who'd just saved them from being killed then rubbed his face hard with his left hand and continued holding his wooden stick in the other, while exasperatedly muttering under his breath, "Of _course_." Letting his hand fall away, a mutually fascinated Casey, Tatum, and Sidney now heard again from an inquiring Sirius, "All right, ladies, here's the most important question: What year is it?"

Three feminine mouths fell open in unison after that totally unexpected query, with Sidney at last managing to stutter out, "I-it's 1996."

Sirius momentarily glowered off into the distance, not paying any attention to the glances of wonder being sent his way by the others, as they waited for him to do whatever else he might do next. However, that man then just shrugged to himself, as he dourly commented, "Well, at least the year's the right one, but as usual, I seem to be the only sodding wizard in the whole bloody world."

Blinking in surprise at the trio of young women then expectantly eyeing him, Sirius hastily collected himself, and opened his mouth, only to just as quickly close it, as Padfoot intently peered at the very beautiful blonde, the brunette, and the other brunette, all of them now beginning to blush under his close, admiring scrutiny. Particularly when the man before them now gave everyone there a truly charming smile, as he briskly suggested, "I'm sure that you'd all like an explanation, and I'll be more than happy to provide this, but not here. Why don't we move to someplace nice and private, have a drink or two, and go on from there?"

*_WOOF! WOOF! WOOF!*_


	10. Chapter 10

_Wham!_

That had felt…odd. No, a perplexed Sirius drowsily corrected himself as he blinked upwards, it wasn't just falling again onto his back during his latest trip out of a nap in a nice, comfortable bed entirely filled with thankful, lusty women, each and every one of them more than willing to robustly express their gratitude with their nubile bodies for rescuing them from some sort of masked homicidal maniac.

As the wizard blearily peered at this new location's ceiling with its attached steel pipes running along the top of this room, leaking steam from every joint and causing everything within eyesight to appear dim and hazy, he managed to vaguely realize that his own mind was itself feeling fuzzy. Dreamily glancing around at the dripping, stained concrete walls and the rusty steel-grated walkway he was lying onto, Sirius distractedly wondered if he might have overdone it a bit at the last stop, making the beast with, um, four backs, involving, let's see-

"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?"

Languorously, Sirius tilted his head back to see who'd just angrily shouted behind the wizard, managing to catch sight of what presently looked in the wizard's inverted vision an upside-down figure beginning to irately stalk towards the man lying on the hard metal floor, belligerently thrusting forward of himself his gloved hands that had…knives for fingers?

It had to be admitted that Sirius' first muddled thoughts, at observing those bizarre hand coverings making menacing scraping sounds as these knives were clenched together, was to wonder: *How in blazes does that bloke manage things in the loo?* While he was contemplating that, the wizard absentmindedly regarded the enraged figure coming nearer, with his workman's trousers, red-and-black striped shirt, strange hat, and-

*Ugh. Now, _him_, he's got an actual reason to wear a mask.* Grimacing at the sight of that horribly burned face borne by someone now only a few steps from the unexpected intruder into Freddy Krueger's domain, a torpid Sirius began to open his mouth to helpfully suggest to this furious monster that he'd be doing everyone an immense favor by concealing his buggered-up mug behind, say, something tasteful in black velvet, until the wizard's attention was lazily distracted by something his indolent eye finally caught sight of behind an advancing Freddy.

Standing there were two young and pretty women with their arms pulled up over their heads and shackled to the far wall that their bodies were pressed up against, who now despairingly stared at the man on the floor about to be murdered by their nightmarish tormentor. Owlishly blinking at that extraordinary scene, Sirius woozily examined every inch of those firm female bodies, which were clearly revealed by the accompanying knife-slashes in their tattered clothing and the resulting gory wounds oozing copious amounts of blood.

At that exact moment, before Sirius could actually begin to react to this, his view was abruptly blocked by a pair of shabby boots, as Freddy Krueger stopped in front of the head of the man sprawled there on the ground, brandished his finger-blades downwards at the intruder's gaping face, and gleefully opened his scarred lips to make one of his trademark sadistic quips.

However, for the first time ever, the worst nightmare of Elm Street was cut off in mid-threat by a very groggy voice speaking in a distinct English accent coming from lower down on the floor, "You know, I don't think I like you very much. _SECTUMSEMPRA!_"

A few seconds later, Sirius managed to get to his feet and as he tucked away his wand into his arm holster, he then began lurching in the direction of the screaming girls frantically yanking at their wall chains. Both the wizard's unsteadiness and those young women's panic had to do with the fact that the entire room around themselves was now physically shifting, with the floor, walls, and ceiling flexing inwards and outwards. Sirius' last few steps toward the prisoners were at a dead run, due to the floor directly under him abruptly swelling upwards, sending him hurtling right at the pair of girls and then colliding hard with these teenagers and the wall behind them also.

As they all gasped for breath from the impact of the wizard's body against the only other people presently occupying a dreamscape no longer under the vicious control of a now-destroyed child murderer, Tina and Nancy gaped right into the pleased face of the beaming man in his suit embracing them with his arms around their raised shoulders. As he hung onto the girls, they listened in absolute shock to this scatterbrained stranger's genial tone:

"Hello, ladies! I'm Sirius Black, and whatever might be your own names, which I'm sure will be as delightful as- OW!"

Nancy had kicked this guy very hard on his right shin, and once this girl felt sure she had his total attention, that high school student screamed right into that startled man's face, "GET US OUT OF THESE!" as she uselessly tugged at her shackles.

Thoughtfully closing one eye as he examined the girls' metal restraints, Sirius finally shrugged, and the wizard then amiably confided in a happy voice that seemed truly out of place at that desperate moment, what with the far end of the room past him beginning to vanish into nothingness, "Well, if you'd be so kind to suggest someplace you know where we can go, I'll take you there. You just need to think about it, since it won't work for me-"

"MY BEDROOM!" shrieked Tina, staring in horror at the advancing wall of blackness ahead steadily coming towards them all.

A truly blissful expression now appeared upon Sirius' features, as he joyously clapped both of his hands onto the tops of the girls' heads, and _willed_ his magic to transport them to that very location supplied by a young woman just an instant before the entire dreamscape collapsed into non-existence.

Tina slammed hard against something that easily cushioned her falling body, causing her to bounce up and down several times as she yelped in surprise, before she finally came to rest lying on her left side in the bed, as the girl gaped at what was in front of herself. There, a few feet away, was her totally familiar bedroom wall with its window, the new curtains covering this pane that she and her mother had picked out several months ago, and the years-old 'Grease' poster hanging there and showing off John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John as their characters in that movie musical.

Hastily looking down, Tina found herself to be dressed in her normal nightwear of a white, loose wifebeater and panties. Wonderingly touching her unmarked body that showed absolutely no signs of her recent ordeal, Tina finally paid attention to what she'd only barely bothered to notice before in her recent landing: the other impacts onto the bed behind herself, along with the muffled groans and grunts of reaction to their own sudden descents onto the mattress.

Quickly rolling over in the bed, Tina managed to blurt out, "Nancy, are you okay…" before Freddy Krueger's first victim trailed off in her anxious question to instead stare in open-mouthed disbelief at what she was seeing.

Her friend Nancy, currently on the far right side of the bed, was herself looking down with eyes the size of saucers at her own unharmed body, or at least what she could actually observe of it, since her view was mostly blocked by the head of an unmoving man dressed in a suit and lying down on his front in the middle of the bed, with his upper torso twisted around to place the front of his face directly onto Nancy's heaving chest just barely clad in her babydoll nightgown.

After a few more exceptionally agreeable moments in his landing place, Sirius Black at last lifted his head, to then wink at a blushing Nancy, as that wizard then rolled over onto his back, squirmed up the bed to put his upper body against the pillows there, and then lifted his arms to possessively place those limbs around the shoulders of the startled girls. As he gently hugged the unresisting young women, the Englishman jovially commented, "Well, ladies, I think we'd better introduce ourselves. Then you can explain to me exactly what happened, where we were, and who that ugly bloke was. In return, I'll do the same. How does that sound?"

Tina and Nancy had their gazes lock together over the trim body of the strange man who'd somehow saved them from Freddy Krueger. They instantly came to the same decision and shared this unspoken choice with each other by eye alone, along with something further the two of them truly needed to do before whatever else happened.

Simply to make sure that this wasn't yet another dream, both of the high school students now carefully pinched themselves, each other, and finally Sirius Black himself, leading that contented wizard to guffaw out loud over all this, accompanied by the happy barking in his head heard only by Harry Potter's godfather:

*_WOOF! WOOF! WOOF!*_


	11. Chapter 11

_Wham!_

"Blaaahhh!" sputtered Sirius Black, as several dozen gallons of very cold and salty water was immediately hurled into his face the instant he landed upon his back into something that pitched and rolled and sank and rose, all at the same time, while at once causing his suddenly-queasy stomach to beg for mercy. Frantically wiping at his soaked face with his left hand, the blinded wizard eventually managed to open his eyes that were burning from the salt water in them, to then gape around himself, as his firm grip upon the wand in his right hand became even tighter in sheer shock.

He was lying down in the front part of a very, very small boat in the middle of a very, very big ocean during a fierce night-time storm that was presently composed of extremely cold rain, strong winds, and enormous, foam-lined waves heaving and crashing in the darkness all around this tiny vessel that felt like it was going to sink any second now, and taking with it to the sea floor a long way below, one increasingly-terrified Sirius Black, whose sole experiences with traveling by water during his entire lifetime had been the boat ride to Hogwarts Castle when he'd been a firstie there, and much later, being transported to Azkaban prison by the Aurors. The English wizard hadn't ever thought that he'd one day actually wish to be back inside that grim penitentiary, but right now, as his stomach lurched, Sirius was really missing his nice, safe, no-chance-whatsoever-of-drowning cell, Dementors and all.

Grabbing hold of the nearest solid object with his left hand before he got tossed into the raging waters surrounding him, Sirius fearfully twisted his head around to peer into the gloom of the stormy night, only then noticing the three people located before him, in front of some kind of little cabin in the center of the boat. Staring at him were two young women kneeling down on the boat deck and holding onto each other in absolute terror, their long hair plastered to their skins by the intense rain, which also rendered nearly transparent their blouses inadequately covering two sets of barely-contained-

"_Yaaaa!_" impolitely bellowed the big man who'd been threateningly standing over the women, interrupting Sirius' instant, close study of those awesome female chests, as that angry-looking guy dressed up in some kind of fisherman's hat and coat now staggered towards that wizard, dangerously waving in this mariner's gripping hand a very large and sharp metal hook having a needle point, and showing right off that he wasn't going to introduce Sirius to the glories of life at sea. Except possibly as bait.

Bugger that.

"_SECTUMSEMPRA!_"

A couple of seconds later, after being basically carried along by the two women and despite this still nearly falling overboard several times, Sirius gratefully dropped into a cushioned bench along the side of the boat cabin, and then the drenched man immediately pointed his wand at himself, casting some desperately needed drying and warming charms. Sighing in relief as he felt his shaking body stop trembling as soothing heat sank into his muscles, Sirius was distracted from his momentary enjoyment at the gasp of incredulity coming from the other side of the cabin, where the young, dark-haired woman soaked to the skin and seated on her own bench was gazing in utter disbelief at him, her mouth wide open as she dripped all over the cabin floor.

As both Julie in her seat and an equally-wet Helen standing at the wheel and looking over her shoulder both watched, they saw an embarrassed expression flash over the face of that guy who'd impossibly dropped out of thin air into their boat just when they were about to be killed by Ben Willis, who'd previously had a tendency to really, really hold a grudge over such a little thing like being run over by their car last summer. Not that this mattered any more, since a few seconds ago, that multiple murderer had somehow been disintegrated by this stranger pointing a little stick at him, and he was doing that right now, directly at them both!

As the girls promptly flinched away, they opened their mouths to begin screams of fright that never even got started, as Helen and Julie then instead dazedly looked down at themselves, where their clothes and skin were now completely dry as a bone! Plus, they both experienced a gentle wave of warmth that caressed them from head to toe, putting paid to any further risk of hypothermia. Snapping their heads back up to gawk at the smirking man who'd just performed that mind-boggling feat, neither girl realized that the wizard currently tucking away his wand in his arm holster was at that moment feeling a little disappointed over the fact that his minor bit of magic had just turned those damp, see-through blouses back into their former opaqueness.

Still, manners were manners, the Englishman reminded himself, as he directed a charming smile towards the stunned young woman seated across from him, and he politely held out his hand while murmuring, "Hello, there. I'm Sirius Black, and may I know who you are?"

A little taken aback by that odd introduction, Julie blinked at the large, male hand ready to be shaken, until she collected herself and leaned forward, reaching out with her own hand, while tentatively answering, "Uh, I'm Julie James, and this is- _Aaaah!_"

A second ago, as she kept watching and listening to her friend and that strange guy over her shoulder while holding steady the boat with her hands on the steering wheel, Helen Shivers had missed seeing the large wave rolling toward the boat's starboard side, until that wall of water collided directly with their vessel, making it shudder and stop short, causing any loose items inside the boat to abruptly shift into new positions, all accompanied by a cacophony of loud crashes and other noises that included inside the boat cabin, when Julie shrieked in fright at being tossed out of her seat directly towards the guy sitting across from her.

Despite being slammed back into the cabin wall, Sirius reacted fast enough to catch the young woman hurtling directly into himself, and he even managed to keep her from smashing right into him, with this latter triumph helped enormously by the soft, yielding part of her body that he'd grabbed and which had completely absorbed the energy of their potential impact-

In their presently frozen positions, of Sirius in his seat and Julie leaning forward to brace her arms against the cabin wall at shoulder level on either side of the man currently grasping her, both of these people were now looking downwards at where Sirius was firmly clutching in his determined grip the overflowing breasts of Julie.

Slowly lifting his eyes to dolefully gaze into what he was sure to be a furious expression over his bad manners, Sirius instead saw at very close range this young woman's triangular face gleefully brighten, as Julie snickered, "I see you've met the girls. Wanna bump into the rest of the gang?"

The last thing Helen witnessed was the slow smile appearing on that Sirius guy's face, followed by Julie's happy giggles, as the other girl grumpily turned back around to the wheel and glared out through the boat windshield at the storm outside. Helen's grouchy mood wasn't alleviated the slightest by the truly depressing fact that it'd be at least an hour until they got back to the shelter of the harbor and then could safely anchor, which was how long it'd take until she could leave the wheel and get the chance to bestow her own reward on the guy back there at present finding out that boats actually did have their good points.

*_WOOF! WOOF! WOOF!*_


	12. Chapter 12

_Wham!_

Even in the middle of a tremendous life-and-death battle among the Slayers and the First Evil (plus his Turok-Han vampire minions) for the fate of the entire world, having a man in a suit abruptly falling out of thin air directly into their conflict will certainly capture peoples' attention and cause them to promptly halt in their tracks. Particularly when that totally unexpected stranger who'd landed very hard upon his back on the stone floor of the immense cavern below Sunnydale then quickly scrambled up onto his feet, to next stand there while irritably brushing back his graying hair, all the while complaining loudly in a truly exasperated British accent, "Merlin's balls, can't I bloody well for once appear at someplace completely upright? Or at least in a much more dignified- Oh."

The new arrival had stifled himself in the middle of his grumbling, as he then finally looked around to notice everybody there in the cavern staring at him, even those who just a second earlier had been trying to rip off each others' heads, which included Spike in game face and his current opponent, one of the Turok-Han, as both of these demons continued to maintain their powerful grips upon their adversary's neck while these startled vampires gaped with open fanged mouths at that peculiar visitor.

Even the First Evil itself looked rather taken aback, as actual surprise flickered over the features of an intangible Mayor Wilkins that had currently been taunting Faith trying to ignore her former protector by savagely using the Scythe upon as many solid enemies within her reach as she could, in order to block out his sneering comments about fighting alongside someone who'd once been more than willing to feed that brunette Slayer to an ensouled vampire.

Sirius Black himself was also completely astonished by his current stopover during the wizard's continuous bouncing around the various dimensions of his numerous trips throughout the Multiverse ever since he'd passed through the Veil. For one, there were a _lot_ of people around - more than he'd ever met before in a single visit in his uncontrolled journeys. Not to mention that it really didn't look like he'd stumbled upon such a jolly state of affairs between everyone here, such as accidentally intruding into someone's picnic. Even if he'd actually done that right now, Sirius truly doubted that those hideous creatures over there all glaring at him while showing off their big pointy teeth were this place's version of an army of impolite ants invading those women's outdoor repast.

On the contrary, it looked like he'd just interrupted a war.

Bugger. Whose side was he supposed to be on?

Frantically trying to figure out exactly what to do before everyone got over their surprise and tore him to pieces for barging in upon their little affray without an actual invitation, an apprehensive Sirius had a sudden brainwave. The one thing all his previous visits to other realities had in common was that the young, beautiful women present there each time (and also having an appealing tendency to wear skimpy and/or skintight clothing more than capable of being discarded in a flash) were always at that moment being cruelly threatened by some kind of vicious monster, human or otherwise.

It was rather difficult to determine the exact numbers of the enormous, craggy-faced, taloned, and fanged fiends over there now beginning to ominously step closer, but there seemed to be, at a guess, _thousands_ of those monsters more than willing to ferociously demonstrate in the next couple of seconds some very painful forms of extreme violence upon the body of such a fine chap as Sirius Black.

Of course, that wizard also had noted nearby another equally ugly being possessing its own ridged features and sharp fangs that was currently in the grip of one of its bigger cousins, but for all Sirius knew, those two fiends were just having a minor family squabble on who'd be the first to devour him, so it was much better to be safe than sorry. That blond poofter over there would simply be included in the wizard's extinction of everyone else in the cavern but himself and those very hot women-

Hold on, what about the other bloke, the one next to that fantastic brunette carrying a very big axe? His attention momentarily diverted from the crowd of angry monsters starting to advance towards himself, Sirius stared at the man approximately the Briton's age and standing there in his own suit, with a truly furious expression then beginning to appear upon the features of that male with the receding hairline, sent directly right at the wizard across the cavern. Well, this seemed promising, since that chap wouldn't be looking like that if he didn't already consider Sirius to be some kind of enemy- *_Hullo!_*

Quickly taking advantage of the First Asshole's brief distraction, Faith horizontally slashed out with the Scythe, sending the entire head of that misnamed axe slicing through the chest of the being next to herself, only to grunt in angry disappointment as she recovered from her totally unsuccessful swing of the mystical weapon, which had passed harmlessly through the insubstantial form of that vile supernatural creature which had in the past arrogantly proclaimed itself to be the original manifestation of wickedness and malevolence in the universe.

Still holding the Scythe ready, Faith glowered at her untouched foe now totally ignoring the Slayer to instead still irately eyeing that new guy over there who'd managed to somehow piss off the First Evil after showing up totally without warning. *Well, looks like Mr. Unknown's havin' much better luck than me. Shit, it was worth a damn try, with that fucker bein' magic and this sweet chopper also bein' magic, even if it didn't work. Sorry, fella, looks like you joined us Slayers just in time to get killed along with me and B and ever'body else, even that jerk Spike- WHAT THE FUCK?*

Sirius had instantly made his decision right after seeing that deadly woman ineffectively trying to hack in half her nonmaterial opponent, which had to be some kind of inimical ghost or spirit. You didn't do that kind of thing to people on your side, solid or not, which made matters ever so much more simpler. Bringing up his wand, while also getting his magical core ready for the most powerful annihilation spell he'd ever cast since passing through the Veil, what with all those lunging monsters now just a few steps away, Sirius roared at the top of his lungs: "_SECTUMSEMPRA!_"

The echoes resounding throughout the entire cavern beneath Sunnydale finally died out after a minute or so, since no other noise was being made by the speechless Slayers seeing the smirking man tucking away his little wooden stick inside the left arm of his suit during his stroll over to where they hadn't budged since every single one of their foes there (and another) had instantaneously vanished from existence.

Even the insubstantial First Evil, which hadn't quite lived up to its reputation as being totally invulnerable to any material weapon whatsoever. But then, it hadn't been attacked by any such thing; instead, that loathsome being had been hit a moment ago by sheer mystical power from at least a half-dozen dimensions that had been accidentally picked up during an already supercharged wizard's hasty visits to those realities, none of which had ever possessed any other type of magic-user that might have depleted those stupendous energies unknowingly absorbed by Sirius Black happily working his way through more good-looking women that he'd ever thought possible.

Until now, that is, as that wizard strutted over to the small group of gorgeous ladies, where he then stopped by one of those young females who was at that moment standing with her back to him as she stared off into the distance.

Buffy Summers was still numbly trying to come to terms with the fact that Spike the vampire, who'd regained his soul and declared this demon's love for the Slayer, had somehow been destroyed by that guy now right next to her. As the stunned Los Angeles native continued gazing at the spot in the cavern where her former bedmate (who'd been more than willing to involve her in necrophilia) had been present just a moment before, she might not have seemed to be actually paying heed to what was going on, but the California girl was indeed listening to the man behind herself beginning to speak.

Buffy was also quite able to swiftly react to what happened right after that.

Proudly drawing himself up, as he informed in his smuggest tone the crowd of gaping women before him, Sirius declared, "Ladies, line up by, oh, alphabetical order this time, and take off your clothes. Now that I've saved you all, it's time for you to truly show your appreciation for that rescue, but don't worry, you'll be more than satisfied yourself, each and every one of you. Plus later, if you're up to it, we can then progress to threesomes and other groups in any possible combinations."

Confidently ignoring the incredulous looks abruptly developing upon the faces of those magnificent women over there about to experience the carnal miracle that was now Sirius, this conceited wizarding idiot then glanced over where the short, curvy girl next to him hadn't moved a muscle, with her still facing away from him and her back stiff, which made the man wonder if she'd really bothered to pay attention. Well, this should wake her up, not to mention that it was really her lucky day, since he'd just decided that she'd be the first one to be honored by him.

Sirius Black then leaned over and gave a friendly swat to that blonde woman's exquisite bum in her ultra-tight pants.

*_WOOF! WO-*_


	13. Chapter 13

Author's Note: It just happened to work out that this is the _thirteenth_ chapter presented on the holiday that takes place during the thirty-first of October! Clearly, a true mystical congruence of events! Or not. Anyway, it seems a good reason as any to finish up this story, so read on to the end!

_

* * *

_

Wham!

Sirius regained consciousness a few moments later, helped along by his magically-enhanced body that had allowed him to survive a furious Slayer's punch, but he was still in enough of a daze to be more than willing to remain lying upon his back on the cavern floor with his eyes firmly closed, nursing a badly aching jaw, and listening to a much-too-loud dispute among two female voices taking place right over his throbbing skull.

"Aww, B, didja haveta do that? It would've been funnier'n hell if we actually took him at his word and showed this guy with the biggest swelled head ever - upper _and_ lower - on the whole fuckin' Hellmouth exactly what horny Slayers need ta have ta be completely satisfied. 'Sides, if he actually pulled it off, he'd damn well be a keeper."

"SHUT UP, FAITH! He killed Spike!"

"Maybe ya mighta missed it, but he also took out alla the rest'a 'em. Even that fuckin' First Evil, it popped outta here like a balloon in a dart factory. As for Brit-vamp, s'pose ya can call it collateral damage, him bein' right in the middle of a punch-up with one'a those Turok-Han 'fore those two poofed inta dust."

"I don't believe you, saying things like that! Spike didn't deserve to die!"

"Neither did those Potentials he murdered a coupla days ago. Or every one of his other kills, includin' two Slayer notches on his belt. I know damn well ya dreamed 'bout Nikki and that Chinese gal, feelin' blondie drain 'em both; I did too, back in prison."

"That was when he was only a demon! Spike has- had a soul! He was going to be a hero!"

"Whoopee shit. I got a soul, you got a soul, all God's chilluns got a soul. Does that give me a free pass for all the fuckin' up I ever did in my life? Like hell. Lover-boy mighta gotten a soul, but it didn't do a thing for makin' him feel sorry 'bout whatever else he done, and ya can't come up with any reason for him otherwise stayin' a shitheel. Christ, he pranced 'round Robin wearin' his momma's jacket, and ya _let_ him! Xander tol' me how Spike once went after yer own mom years back, and nearly got her. I s'pose if that bleached wonder was more successful then, scalped Joyce, and wore that as a trophy, ya woulda forgiven him later on just 'cuz he had a halfway decent excuse! Now, while yer tryin' ta think up a good comeback for that, Mr. Stud down there's wide awake and listenin' ta us."

Sirius quickly opened his eyes at those last words, at exactly the same moment a small hand grabbed the front of his suit and effortlessly lifted up the man's body to then hold him in the air, with that wizard's boots dangling a few inches from the stone floor of the immense cavern. Gaping downwards into the furious face of the short blonde woman bearing without the slightest strain his entire weight upon her left arm while also carelessly holding a massive axe in her other hand, Sirius' mouth hung open in shock, until he said the totally unforgivable.

(Before we continue, it must be revealed that the hero of our story possesses a truly idiosyncratic talent. Wake Sirius up instantly from the deepest possible slumber after consuming enough firewhiskey to paralyze the Hogwarts giant squid, and that wizard could _still_ manage to ignore his excruciating hangover to instantly and correctly identify his latest bed partner by her name. However, this was often accompanied by the genuinely abysmal ability to add the worst possible remark, such as "Haven't you left already?")

Which meant when a dangling Sirius Black then woozily stared down into a familiar face that he'd gotten to know quite well just a few hours ago and which currently possessed an extremely infuriated expression directed right at him, to then hastily shift his gaze further downwards at a certain part of this female's anatomy also thoroughly explored back then, that wizard had absolutely no choice but to blurt out, "Helen, how'd you get here, and what in Merlin's name happened to your tits? It looks like they just disappeared!"

After that supremely unwise statement, Sirius began at once to sense he was in some kind of trouble. No doubt due to how the brunette woman standing by his captor immediately dropped to the cavern floor shrieking with laughter while gleefully holding her sides. Though, the wizard barely noticed this, as he instead observed with total horror the fires of Hell slowly igniting in the eyes of the blonde girl clutching the front of his suit. Particularly when her left arm yet holding him off the floor didn't quiver the slightest when this clearly unfamiliar person slowly lifted up her other hand gripping the immense axe somehow acquired from the still-guffawing woman on the floor, and she then gently prodded Sirius Black right in his groin with the tip of that razor-sharp weapon.

Holding the Scythe steady there with all of her superhuman prowess, so that it penetrated only a few threads into the pants fly of that guy she was going to perform a really nasty atrocity upon right at the next time he said something stupid, a beyond-fury Buffy Summers gritted in a voice that sounded like rocks being crushed: "Talk. Now."

His mouth hanging open, a terrified Sirius didn't dare to move a single muscle, lest this cause his body (and one particular organ, actually) to shift any closer to that finely-honed blade of the axe that was being held with surgical precision against what presently felt like it was trying on its own to climb up his back. In a desperate search for any way out of his horrible predicament, Sirius contacted his Animagus personality inside that wizard's mind, and the man now had the following disquieting impression regarding his canine Grim manifestation:

A large, black-furred dog was cringingly crouched down, his hindquarters currently the highest part of that terrified animal's body, tail furtively held down and coweringly curled inwards, rear legs protectively crossed over themselves, while further up, the dog's lowered chest, throat, and muzzle were pressed against the mental landscape, front paws fearfully placed over his tightly-closed eyes, and submissive whimpers being blubbered out past flapping lips.

*_Whine. Whine. Whine._*

* * *

Author's Note: Well, that's how this story ends. Kindly tone down your howls of disappointment; I came up with that conclusion right from the beginning of composing what you've just read, from Sirius going through the Veil to where it finished with him being threatened with castration by Buffy. And for me, at least, it's just as much fun to contemplate whatever happened next as it is to write it.

Which I may, or may not. Don't hold your breath for a sequel, though.

Still, while I was writing this (and also buoyed up by everyone's reviews - thank you, all!), I did come up with several ideas, which might answer the following questions:

Assuming the proper groveling explanations have been made; among the other revelations, will Faith be the one to gleefully suggest that Doin'-It-Sirius can only travel to the next reality if he actually _does _have sex with every woman in the cavern?

And if that's accurate, how is that going to be possible, when one Buffy Summers gives this abashed wizard her most evil Look of Death every time she encounters him afterwards in the still-standing town of Sunnydale, along with accompanying finger twitches that spitefully indicate she would far, far prefer to slice, dice, and make julienne fries of Little Sirius?

Is Sirius himself going to postpone that tricky proposal, to instead drown his sorrows with Giles' best Scotch over learning about a certain British fantasy writer's series of novels and the several movies that have been made so far from her books?

Finally, how is our hero going to react to the recent news that the casting for the coming Harry Potter films includes the actor Gary Oldman as the character of Sirius Black?

(I have this enchanting mental picture of a drunken wizard delivering a slurred, atrocious version of 'Anarchy in the UK' at the Bronze during karaoke night…)

Happy Halloween!


End file.
